Poem – Crazy Uncles and Pomegranates

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My Uncle Jack said,

“Have a snack!

There’s grapes,

Bananas,

And apples!

Have some

For goodness sake!”

“But Uncle Jack,”

I said.

“Those are dates,

Eggplants,

And pomegranates!

And these aren’t snacks,

They’re made of wax!

I’ll get a stomach ache!”

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Series – Nitro! Frog – Issue 004

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Series

Issue 003

Gloria patted Nitro on the shoulder.

“You just need to practice and level-up your skill. Then you can catch bigger fish. It was pretty neat how you made that net though.”

Nitro nodded resolutely. He was determined to do just that.

“I WILL be a Master Fisherfrog!” he declared and leapt into the ocean for more bait.

Gloria, Dexter, Penelope, and Lance perched on the limbs of a giant, twisty, driftwood log, the remains of a massive mango tree. Nitro continued fishing vigorously as they discussed which skills they would choose.

Congratulations! FISHING is now level 2!

Everyone looked up as Nitro approached with a huge froggy grin on his face and a sea urchin in his hands.

“Thank you, thank you,” Nitro said, bowing.

“Good job, Nitro!” Gloria exclaimed. “I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! OH MY GOODNESS! IS THAT A SEA URCHIN?!”

Nitro drew back a bit. Gloria tapped on the touchscreen of her RIBBETS.

Gloria uses COOKING!

There was a static buzz as a campfire appeared on the sand followed by a metal rack and stand. Nitro leaned forward to inspect it.

“Cooool.”

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There was another buzz as a heavy iron cooking pot materialized over his head. Bonk! Nitro rubbed the lump growing on the back of his head.

“Sorry, Nitro. I should’ve warned you,” Gloria apologized. “Let me have that urchin.”

Gloria dropped the urchin into the pot. Everyone watched as the pot bubbled. Suddenly, a cloud of steam puffed up around the pot. When the steam cleared, a single bowl of soup sat on the sand where the fire and pot had been.

Obtained Urchin Soup!

“Wow, it worked!” Gloria exclaimed. “I LOVE COOKING!”

Nitro bent down and picked up the bowl.

“Mmmmm! Gloria, this smells delici… Ahh, that’s hot!”

Nitro squealed and tossed the bowl into the air. Everyone watched in silence as it sailed through the sky.

A little way down the beach, a small fiddler crab looked up at the bowl as it flew towards him. He tucked his eye stalks in and pulled one large claw over his head. The bowl landed upside down with a boiling splash over the unfortunate crab. The frogs looked on in horror. Nitro finally broke the silence.

“I’d hate to be that guy. Know what I’m sayin’?”

Suddenly, the ground began to shake! The bowl exploded, and a cloud of sand was launched into the air. An ominous whooshing and battle music came from the RIBBETSs.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Dexter squeaked.

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Flash Fiction – Antsy

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Zippy Flash Fiction

“Now boarding Stalk 147! Now boarding Stalk 147!” the Conductor announced.

Bingham grabbed his bags and climbed aboard. He always said he’d “get off this nowhere dandelion one day!” and today was the day. He waved his antennae to the other ants and was gone with the wind.

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Poem – Insomniacal #1

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Perhaps 2 AM

Is not

The best time

To drink

Coffee.

However,

Time is

Relative.

And I’m

Relatively sure

It’s time

For some

Coffee.

Epic Poem – Saga of my Life – Macaroni

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This is a mostly true story…

Listen closely to my tale

Of making macaroni from scratch.

I began by forging a mighty cauldron.

Seven tons of iron ore I dipped

Into the molten fires of Mt. Mfjlldrk.

For seven centuries, I hammered

The red hot iron until it

Wrought the mighty cauldron.

To fill the cauldron,

I carried it clear to the springs

Of Fjordenbjork. With a thunderous

Stomp, I made the waters

Leap into my mighty cauldron!

Next, I used my great battle axe

To chop down a forest for tinder.

With one chop, I felled ten trees.

With two chops, one thousand!

With my bare hands, I pulled

A boulder of flint from the mountainside.

I dragged it across my rugged beard

Sending flames shooting over the forest.

I placed my mighty cauldron

Atop the flames and filled it

With the legendary Elbows of Macaroni.

I then grabbed the ocean by

Its corners and shook the salt

Into my mighty cauldron.

From the frozen north, I took cheese

Made with milk ripped from

The teats of the ancient grass-fed

Cows of Brudermilken

And grated a mountain of cheese.

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I then began to stir the

Legendary Elbows of Macaroni

With a one hundred foot tall

Sapling of Fjordenbjork.

Suddenly, water heated to

One million degrees splashed

On to my hand. Without flinching,

I disregarded the tenth degree

Burns and plunged my hand

Into butter made from milk

Ripped from the teats of the ancient grass-fed

Cows of Brudermilken.

Finally, I poured the water from

My mighty cauldron, forming

A seventh sea. I mixed in

The cheese and butter and blew

The fire out with one breath.

Ten thousand Vikings filled my

Mead Hall and yet they could not

Finish all of the legendary

Elbows of Macaroni that I set

Before them. To this day,

There still exists leftovers

From that epic meal.

Series – Nitro! Frog – Issue 002

Series

Issue 001

“Why is it called a R.I.B.B.E.T.S. again?” Nitro asked. A collective sigh arose from the group.

“Amateur,” Dexter chided. “Remote Instantaneous Black hole Banking Electronic Transfer System or R.I.B.B.E.T.S. for short. It uses black hole technology to transfer physical objects between A.I.M.S., Amphibian Inventory Manufacturing and Storage, and your current reality. It’s really quite amazing. In 736 FD…”

“Okay, now I remember why I don’t care,” Nitro interrupted. Dexter grumbled in irritation. “Just show me to the skills list.”

Penelope smacked her lips.

“Do you see the button on the touchscreen that says ‘SKILLS’? Yeah, it’s that one,” Penelope said, rolling her eyes.

Nitro tapped the SKILLS button. A list of buttons appeared on screen.

•             LIFE

•             NICE

•             SUPPORT

•             PASSIVE

“Alright, now we’re talkin’,” Nitro said, excitedly. He tapped the NICE button. A list of Meanie battling skills appeared on the screen. “Gift, Happybeam, Party Time… This isn’t what I’m looking for.” He tapped the back arrow, then the LIFE button. Another list appeared. “Cooking, Crafting… Ah ha! Fishing!” Nitro ecstatically tapped the LEARN button.

There was a sudden, cool, electric rush in Nitro’s brain as the information on fishing came flooding in. In the frog’s mind, he saw Teach casting a line out into the water. He watched his technique as Teach jigged the bait back and forth. There was a whirring sound as Teach’s rod bent over. He fought the fish, reeling and pulling until… Whoosh! A great white shark flew out of the water!

Nitro’s eyes watered at the glorious sight of the shark gliding through the air in slow motion. The giant fish crashed onto the beach and thrashed about, throwing sand into the air! Teach dodged its massive teeth and smacked it square on the head with his fishing rod. The shark’s eyes turned into Xs, and it stopped flopping. Teach puffed out his chest and put one foot on his vanquished foe as the word “CONGRATULATIONS!” flashed over his head. Nitro looked down at his R.I.B.B.E.T.S. as an electronic voice rang out.

Congratulations! You’ve learned FISHING!

“That… was… AWESOME!” Nitro shouted. “Let’s do this!”

Issue 003

Short Story – Lemon Laws – Cereal Juicer

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To unlock the full story, please consider supporting my efforts with a small donation. Thank you!

“Over here, Sheriff! We got another one,” Deputy Barry said.

Sheriff Lemon’s handlebar mustache twitched as he looked down at the sidewalk. Applesauce. Applesauce everywhere. Lemon’s bushy gray eyebrows lowered into a look of disgust. It didn’t matter how many times he saw it, this kind of thing always turned his pulp.

“Doesn’t matter how many times I see it, this kind of thing always turns my pulp,” Lemon said. “Any evidence?”

Deputy Barry shook his head.

“Same as last time, Sheriff. And the time before that. And the time before that. This guy does a thorough job of covering up his tracks.”

Sheriff Lemon sighed heavily.

“Alright. Go over it one more time, Barry. I’ve gotta go make a call.”

***

Lemon sat down behind his desk and reached for the phone. He paused, leaned back in his chair, and rubbed his lemonhead. A zesty scent filled the room. Lemon sighed, sat forward, and slapped his desk before picking up the phone. After a few rings, someone picked up on the other end.

“Mango,” the voice answered.

“Mango, it’s Lemon. How’re things goin’?”

“Can’t complain.”

“How’s the family?”

“Expanding at an exponential rate. How’s the Missus?” Mango asked.

“Just as sour as ever! Hahahaha!”

“Hahaha! …So, what’s the real reason you called?” Mango asked…

Continue reading “Short Story – Lemon Laws – Cereal Juicer”

Poem – Confessions of an Avid Author (or Artist) #5

I used to have

A pet

Rhinoceros Beetle.

His name was

Rocksteady.

He really liked

To burrow into

Peaches

Or roll them around.

He was really

Strong.

Once,

I caught him doing

Push-ups

With his climbing

Log.

The good thing about

Beetles

is, they don’t really

Die.

They just become

Display Pieces.

I think

It’s what he

Would have

Wanted.

Poem – Confessions of an Avid Author (or Artist) #3

I’m not 100%

Certain

If I’ve been to sleep

In the last three days,

But this coffee

Is good,

There are no bananas

Left,

And I’m still wearing

The same

Pants.

Series – Nitro! Frog – Issue 001

Series

“Nitro! Yo, Nitro! Wake up!” Teach shouted. Smack! Teach slapped the napping frog with a wet mackerel.

“Ouch! What’s that all about?” Nitro cried.

“You were napping again!” Teach shouted as he tossed the mackerel back into the ocean.

“Now, everybody listen up! Today, you graduate from Teach’s Life Training! Some of you did better than others!” Nitro withered under Teach’s glare.

“It’s time to choose your skills! Choose carefully, you only get one shot at this! When I call your name, step forward and get your R.I.B.B.E.T.S.!”

“Isn’t this so exciting?” Gloria, a pink frog, asked.

“Yeah! I can’t wait to get my skills! I’m going to be a master fisherfrog like Teach!” Nitro answered with stars in his eyes.

“Penelope!” Teach shouted.

Penelope, a sassy purple frog in a tutu, claimed her R.I.B.B.E.T.S. She turned the small red tablet over in her hand.

“Thank you, Teach!” she said, prancing back.

“Dexter!” Teach shouted.

Dexter, a blue frog and King of Nerds, retrieved his R.I.B.B.E.T.S.

“Why thank you, sir,” Dexter said, adjusting his thick glasses.

“Nobody likes a suck-up, Dex! Next, Gloria!” Teach shouted.

Gloria practically floated over to get her R.I.B.B.E.T.S.

“THANK YOU, TEACH!” Gloria said, over-enthusiastically.

“Lance!” Teach shouted.

Lance, a gray frog of few words, collected his R.I.B.B.E.T.S.

“Teach,” Lance nodded.

“Lastly, Nitro! Try not to break it right away,” Teach said, momentarily losing his usual enthusiasm for shouting.

Nitro, a typical green frog, snatched up his R.I.B.B.E.T.S.

“Thanx, Teach!” Nitro shouted.

“Excuse me?! I don’t think I heard that spelling correctly! Let’s try again!” Teach shouted.

“Oops. Thanks, Teach!” Nitro corrected himself.

“That’s more like it! If you have any questions, refer to the ‘HELP’ menu! DO NOT ASK ME! Good luck with life, cadets! I’m going to take a nap,” Teach said, exhausted.

After Teach had gone to lay in his hammock, the five young frogs chattered excitedly over their R.I.B.B.E.T.S.s. Nitro turned his over and over, tapped it, shook it, and sighed.

“How does this thing work again?” Nitro asked.

The other frogs fell over. This was going to be a long day.

Issue 002